Before getting CoVid, I believed my energy could create the reality I wanted—one that had CoVid in it (for the rest of the world)—and that my strong character, my strong mindset, and my strong will were enough to keep me moving forward. In other words, CoVid could exist in my reality… just not for ME.
I was wrong.
A Little Backstory
A decade ago, in my mid-twenties, I experienced a severe bout of depression that left me struggling with suicidal thoughts. The trigger had been a widening void within me and the confusion of what life “should be.” I couldn’t connect to the depths of my soul, to the breadth of life, and to the magic of Spirit. My passion and motivation were gone, and I saw nothing worth sticking around for.
But my story was far from over. When I had finally reached the very end of my rope, about to give up and truly ready to end my life, I heard a Voice—a strong, commanding voice—that said:
“IT DOESN’T NEED TO BE THIS WAY.”
That Voice became my light in what I thought was the darkest moment of my life. I threw all of my energy into exploring spirituality beyond what my Catholic schooling and practice had given me.
And I vowed then that I would never ever let myself be in that empty, hopeless space again.
For the last 10 years I’ve done just that–
Every wrong turn,
Every pain I experienced…
… I channeled into something greater. Something stronger.
So when CoVid hit in 2020, I focused on what I could do and the reality I wanted.
A Need for Control
While the world worried and fretted over CoVid, I scaled my operations. I planned for the next few decades. And I became even more convinced that our realities can be created with a strong core, a strong connection to self and Spirit, and a strong mindset.
And perhaps, to avoid feeling vulnerable and out-of-control, I ignored the full strength and impact of CoVid on the collective.
Perhaps, back then, I thought myself impenetrable because of the inner and outer work I ‘d gone through over the last decade.
Perhaps I desensitized myself to all that CoVid was doing, because—as a person with so much passion—I feel things so deeply and so profoundly that I couldn’t allow myself to fully share in the pain around me, because I was afraid to feel that much suffocating pain again.
I forgot in all of this that FEAR is at the FRONT of evolution.
As we revolutionize ourselves, FEAR injects new energy and releases the old.
Doubt and Desperation
When I got exposed to CoVid, I still didn’t believe it was possible for me. My friends showed symptoms immediately but I felt fine.
And when I knew in my gut that the virus had entered my system, I still believed my body could fight it off with little to no symptoms.
When a test confirmed what I already knew, I surrendered and placed my faith in medication and allowed my body to heal. But throughout the first two weeks, I struggled with holding onto hope… because I was equating hope with logic and intelligence.
I did everything I was supposed to, right?
So why was I still not well?
Why were my friends okay already and just waiting to be off quarantine, when my fever wasn’t going away?
I followed my doctor’s recommendations.
I took a break from work.
I went on complete bed-rest.
So why was my body still failing me even after my fever finally broke?
What was wrong with me?
Balance and Engagement
I used to think that surrender was enough. That I could just “let go and let God.” I thought if I just did exactly what I was “supposed to,” everything would be fine. It took some time, but I finally realized that healing was about more than just medication and rest, and it was more than just a strong will and mindset.
It’s a blend of the mental and physical.
A strength of spirit as well as body.
A dance between determination and surrender.
It’s a balance.
But God needs us to be fully present and engaged with life for this balance to occur. Because only when we accept and engage everything we’re going through—including the fears and doubts and grief—can we become an active participant in creating our own destiny. Only when we engage can we see the pieces that are broken, and give them more space to be put together again, more solidly and more profoundly.
When I came down with CoVid I was living a life that I thought I controlled. I made my decisions deliberately, therefore I believed I made my own fate. But I marched on ahead without pausing… without glancing down… without seeing that there were broken pieces of my past all over the path beneath my feet. These scattered bits of myself that begged for healing.
I didn’t realize how many pieces needed me to put them back together.
I didn’t realize how dis-engaged I’d been from these parts of myself.
And I didn’t realize how integral they’d be in my physical healing, as well.
Letting Love In
Much of my life has been spent “earning” love and appreciation. It’s hard to receive unconditionally. It’s rare that I let people in. It’s difficult to trust and allow. But my CoVid experience served to remind me of the light, the magic and the love that’s already within and around me…
… that perhaps I’ve never fully allowed myself to appreciate or accept, because–
- I can’t stand asking for favors.
- I pay everyone that works for me, no exceptions.
- I don’t like the feeling of owing others.
Even in my circle of friends, I don’t normally share my deepest worries, fears, or doubts. (I have regular sessions with different practitioners for that.) And although I’m comfortable crying to give a voice to my worries, I do that privately or in my healing sessions—never with friends or family.
I’ve just always been the one who does the listening, the one holding space, and the last decade of un-learning so many things didn’t change that “programming.” Until CoVid.
For the first time since maybe my pre-teens, I let my mom in.
I was already a young resourceful entrepreneur, learning how to make money at the tender age of 6. Since I was financially capable of doing and getting the things I wanted, and pretty independent waaayyyy before 18, there was really nothing that I physically/materially needed from her. I grew up early, and I relied on no one.
But when my body was failing me and nothing could give me appetite, my mom started sending me home-cooked meals. It was a small gesture… but one of love.
I started eating again.
As I entered my first week post quarantine, I continued rebuilding my energy with my focus on 3 key areas:
1. Mobility, Passion and Visibility/Vulnerability
I’m walking a minimum of 500 steps and maximum of 2000 steps every day.
2. Reactivating my senses
I believe when we are connected with our bodies and the passion within us, our spirit comes alive too.
3. Showing up more on social media
I started sharing about my Covid journey, and what was meant to be a short post became a lengthy 4-part story and the inspiration for this 2-part blog.
Slowly, baby step by baby step, I relearned how to navigate each of these three areas of my life. I discovered what my current capabilities were. I exercised the necessary muscles (literal and figurative) and increased my stamina. And I reflected on everything I had learned through this experience.
It was surprising to see how familiar I was with certain pieces: the hopelessness, the motivation, and the faith that mapped out my journey… I’d been there before. I’d sworn I’d never find myself so low again. But life often moves us in an upward spiral, revisiting old circumstances with new awareness, and I think that’s exactly what happened here.
Coming out of that long-ago battle with severe depression, I had committed myself to creating a space in this world where I could become a catalyst for “Misfits.” I wanted to show them that they could own their difference in this world, and even get handsomely rewarded for it.
That starts with radical honesty, vulnerability, and transparency with our desires and dreams.
So I show up.
Real. Raw. As authentic as it gets.
And I do this not just for myself, but also for those of you that have felt disconnected, disjointed, and detached from the world or uncertain of your place in it:
There is plenty of room for you here.
You are loved, and you belong.
Anything within you that has been broken can be mended.
And no matter your struggles and setbacks, you can absolutely achieve great things.