The Hardest Muscle To Develop Is Surrendering

hardest-muscle-develop-surrendering

My parents are baby boomers.

They had a tough life. They worked hard. Their only goals were being financially stable.

For some time, they had it. I remember yearly trips abroad, having the latest Barbie dolls, showered with gifts by those who wanted to accumulate favors from my parents.

When my dad’s first business was growing, he decided to enter a second venture – quarrying.

It was an industry alien to him. But he saw the potential earnings and the demand.

He poured a fortune into that venture and invited more shareholders. Because his first business profited so well, everyone jumped at the chance to get into the second business

That second business didn’t go the way my dad thought. It wiped out all his efforts, his energy and his enthusiasm.

Seeing that fail and seeing how socially ostracized we became made me extremely scared and afraid of my own dreams.

What if I fail as well? 
What if I end up like my dad? 

For the longest time I curbed my enthusiasm. I dimmed my light and went to working hard. I freelanced a lot – a moderately lucrative gig if one knows how to position and monetize well.

I saw myself investing the money into several stocks, other financial products and property. Then I thought I can retire at 40.

Not bad for a millennial, right? I had everything planned. I had control of my life. What happened to my dad wouldn’t happen to me. I wouldn’t give in to “unrealistic dreams”. I’d take the safe road and have calculated outcomes.

Or so I thought.

At 25, I experienced such despair. On the surface everything seemed so good but deep down, there was a void that I couldn’t fill.

That intuitive entrepreneurial side of me wanted to be unleashed. I curbed it too much and the lid wanted to break free. 

I experienced depression like no other – numbing the pain through alcohol and binge watching and binge reading.

I had to consume…to compensate for the need to create.

I thought of ending my life. I thought of ways to do it. Poison was my choice – simple and straightforward.

But a voice inside me said –

No. This is not what life is meant to be.”

I awakened that moment. I started re-connecting to my soul again. I allowed myself to access the pieces of myself that I allowed to be dormant.

Each step back to the most lit part of me had its ups and downs.

The hardest part is that feeling of chaos, confusion and confliction.

I didn’t know what I was feeling.
I felt like a bumbler hearing one thing in my heart and another in my ego.

For every sign that said I was on the right path, another sign came to say I was on the wrong path.

My mind played tricks and my heart kept trumping its own horn.

It was extremely difficult for me to surrender to that inner voice that says –

You don’t need to know it all. You don’t need to sacrifice a part of your desires. You don’t need to filter who you are”

Each milestone of my life since that day I decided against suicide was a result of me choosing me over the “evidence” that says otherwise.

What kept me going and what kept me choosing me over anything else was this belief –

Evidence is always based on what was and what is.

Magic and Miracles are what is possible.

I choose the possible. I choose magic. I choose miracles.

This is the reason why Miracles have always been part of my brand – because we all can create the miracles we wish to see..

Blessing of miracles,